July 7th 2016

Many things coming clear to me and I realize this is no epiphany situation but a long time coming.I have worked the program and more over many long, often terrible decades for much of my adult life feeling profoundly suicidal and suffering whale-shit-at-the-bottom-of-the-ocean depression.Release from that came only at the age of 47 with radical self help actions. I knew at that point that it was only a matter of time before I took my own life. Ironically, I was not a believer in the death penalty yet I made exception for myself while having no real idea of what I had ever done in life to garner a death sentence from myself? I discovered that I have more than faults, that I am a good person, a loving person, a kind person, as well as intelligent, sensitive and perceptive. I picked up what I would call flaws and owned them. This is not selfishness, I said, this is me - for better or worse.

I have not done a good job of living by any stretch but then I have not done so badly, either. I feel as if I am stepping fully into myself, accepting who and what I am: What I value and love in life - understanding, perception, deep, compassionate empathy and comprehension of life, the interconnection of all things. For years it has been so hard to simply self identify what it is that I actually do love and care about in life. Nature and animals of all kinds in all fashions also I love. Very much the simple things I love drinking a beer with friend on the deck, sharing my life with the one I love. I am a big picture guy for better or worse who cannot see the trees for the forest. Details in themselves possessing little interest for me having only a passing interest in how each thing connects to all things. Relationships are everything. Connection. I love all things and seek to understand and reconcile the abomination of suffering in the world that I never could accept. This is what I want in life to understand more broadly, more deeply ... everything.

ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) for me is grounding and this I need very badly and I am most grateful for it. Otherwise, I might drift away altogether.