Beverly puts down Tim Dorsey and moans – not in the good way, either.
Finding Bigfoot seriously is there not anything else on TV.
No. Just this and a Big Bang Theory we've seen at least five times, maybe six?
Let's watch it again, then, Beverly says sincerely.
Come on, I entreat it's not about Bigfoot at all. It's not about Finding Bigfoot -
Beverly cuts me off, Goddammit Bull the show is called “Finding Bigfoot” I think that means that it IS about Bigfoot and about Finding Bigfoot, don't ya think?
You never see the magic, Beverly, shaking my head. You know you got more than a little Sheldon in you. She hits me and pretty hard and changes the channel to The Big Bang Theory. I am not deterred now it is my mission to bring appreciation to this little masterpiece of theater. I go to the kitchen and find a bottle of Jack Daniels about three quarters full and take it back to the bedroom with two shot glasses.
Beverly says, aw Babe do you miss your show so bad you have to bury your sorrows in Jack?
No, I tell her, put Finding Bigfoot back on it's just starting and every time the big Dufus says, “Squatchy”, we take a shot.
Beverly switches it back, laughing appreciatively and I fill two shot glasses just in time as the big Dufus says “Squatchy” in the intro. By the time the show is about half over, the bottle is empty.
Holy shit that guy says Squatchy a lot! Bev exclaims. I think we'd need two full bottles to make it through a whole show?
So you're warming up to it, Bev?
Hell yeah this is a hoot let's watch the rest of it, Bev says happily. Let's get two bottles next time and try to make it through a whole show, it's a challenge now - adding, but you know there is no such thing as a Bigfoot so they will never find one, right?
I don't know that actually. I know that you can't resist a challenge, though.
It is especially hot today by which mostly I mean that the sea breeze that is nearly always constant is today in its “Nearly” phase. But this afternoon if there is a place to be on the entire island, it is our apartment taking up the second floor of Miss Avlatner's mansion built to take fullest advantage of the views and the breeze coming in off of the sea here on the windward side. We sit on the deck facing east the sun now behind us enjoying what breeze does come our way. I bring Bev a bacon and egg sandwich made with 12 grain bread brought in from the mainland. Bev takes the sandwich and puts it on her lap.
You put bacon on my sandwich you are a barbarian you know I am a vegetarian, Bull!
I tell her, I'll be putting a pineapple coconut sauce -
Interrupting, with the tamarind glaze!?
Yes like that I'll be putting that on your pork chop for dinner, too.
I hate you so much! says Beverly, happily eating her bacon and egg sandwich and our very late brunch. After we eat wait an hour and snorkel might as well be in the water today, Babe.
Right, I agree as usual in the choice of activity as well as the cautionary approach to swimming after eating. One hour … maybe 45 minutes -
You can't digest food in 45 minutes, Babe, says Bev.
Well seriously you can't in an hour either?
Okay, Bev says. I agree we go snorkeling after I take a little nap.
Of course, I say. I have my laptop out. I think I'm going to start a blog today.
A blog? Beverly asks, where did that come from? Still finishing her sandwich. What kind of blogging and goes without saying you can't say anything about me without me seeing it first -
Without saying, I nod in agreement. I want to write about island life, I tell her, like a news feed for the world you know let the world get to see our little jewel in the Caribbean here. Don't hide your light under a bushel basket, right?
Do you have a name for your blog site yet?
O Babe don't get me started I HAD the prefect name but I should have known that was too good to not be already taken. Some very clever bastard named David B Sky thought of it first. I had no plan B. That was it -
What's the name?
http://monkeysthrowingfeces.blogspot.com/
Bev makes a face, ew that's a disgusting name for a blog thank God that was taken, Babe, the Universe did you a little favor on that one. I'll take a nap on that thought while you find another name for your blog, Babe, kissing me on the top of my beautiful, bald head. I hold onto her hand for just a second trailing behind her until I feel her fingertips touch as she heads off for her siesta. For me I think Bev is wrong in this particular case just don't think that she is seeing The Big Picture here.
http://monkeysthrowingfeces.blogspot.com/
It's not only a perfect name for a blog, it's the only name. I can't possibly come up with anything that good? I wonder if this asshole would sell it?
I know Freud is dead but I'll tell you he nailed this one thing, that life is all about Love and Work.
Keep it simple when it comes to philosophy I mean literally as in the less syllables the better. Years of inner searching and a fantastic and very weird mass of life experience whittled my own personal philosophy down to, “Bev”.
I know, right.
Knocked that one out of the park and in YOUR FACE Kierkegaard. So the love part got that in spades.
Work is good to me as well so way I see it I am blessed in this life. Few understand my work such is my lot in life. It is an occupational hazards that is unavoidable. I work deep, deep undercover for the Tourist Police. How deep you may wonder? So deep THEY don't even know it. Corruption is everywhere in our fair republic but my work is to stay underneath all the corruption until it presents a clear and preset danger to tourist or tourism.
By and large, it is really safe here, of course. But always there are few bad apples and my natural talent is to identify them simply by looking in their eyes. Takes one to know one kind of thing. Hell, half the folks visiting our fair isle are from the states where if one were self hating enough to watch the evening news, murder is rampant. I mean here sure you might get your laptop snatched but your chances of dying by crime are much lower here than of being crushed by an airplane engine falling randomly out of the sky. And I have the data somewhere to back that up, I'm sure.
Bet you can't say that about the states now can you?
And you know the thing is that I love people, right. I'm a people person always have been. I'm a world class hugger too doesn't matter to me how hot and humid it's been all day. Listen the first rule of being a deep, deep cover Tourist Detective is tell no one. I do not even tell Beverly the extent of my mission to protect her in case my identity were ever discovered by the wrong people. So I just engage in my own special brand of community undercover detective work.
I approach a nice family I haven't seen before - Hi folks, good morning to you and may I welcome you to the island! I give an enthusiastic welcome to this big family from … somewhere where they do not get much exercise or sun ? Hugs all around. Couple with two kids. The kids smile and hug me back.
Where you guys from? I ask.
Peoria, IL, the couple says almost in unison then laugh. Bob, says Bob. Cindy says Cindy.
(I feel the positive energy already rising now do you see why I love my work?) I reach into my left pocket and grab a handful of sandwich size zip lock plastic bags – a present and a free tip of the day for you folks, I hand Bob the plastic bags with a slight flourish. (I mean who doesn't love a present, right?)
What's this for? Bob asks
Each of you keep one in your pocket at all times then when a downpour breaks out, you can put your cell phone in their and just go ahead and enjoy getting soaked in paradise.
Both of them look up into the clear blue skies overhead. Cindy says, but there's not a cloud in the sky. Bob is shaking his head in agreement. Doesn't look like rain, he says skeptically.
Well, I tell them, politely, the weather can change here in the tropics in a heart beat. Always be prepared is my motto. Have a wonderful time guys, I bid them farewell and stride forth into another day in paradise where love and work are perfect.
Beverly said once that the biggest thing she loves about me is my unbridled enthusiasm for living. I asked if it is okay if the biggest thing I loved about her is her lips? But anyway, I say just jump on life and hump it and thank God for your good luck, man. It's no more complicated than that ?
Beverly sleeps late. My body on the other hand wakes itself at first light always has. I think something is a little off with me because I have never felt fear in my life but just the thought of living in Alaska and not being able to sleep for weeks or even months on end … now that's scary to me because I need my sleep. Without a solid six hours, I'm for shit, man.
I like to run the beach around the island before the sun is even up. It took a long time for my feet to harden enough to make it barefoot. Sounds easy right I mean it's just sand but haul ass in it for a good hour to make it around the whole island that can be a pounding, believe me. I try to warn people that paradise will sneak up on you and just clean your clock it's terrible for that because no one ever sees it coming because it's “paradise”. Except me, of course.
I always go clockwise around because I'm right handed. I like this time of morning it's light enough to see but the island is still mostly sleeping or just rising and usually a sea breeze is just starting to kick up and birds sing and chirp and squawk. Big, fat Iguana watch from their perches in the trees and countless lizards scatter underfoot. I never get tired of the lizards here they're the smartest goddamn creatures on earth – did you know that? Just the way they cock their heads an look you right in the eye all the time as if to say, “I got you all figured out, Human”.
This whole eastern side catches the predominate winds and on my right a series of mostly three story beach condos soak up every centimeter of sea frontage. I hear my name as a hand pops out the window a boat docked and I wave back, “morning Augustus. Good hunting!” Lobster this time of year but Augustus would come back with fish as well you could count on it and I do often do business in the evening. He came from Honduras with his wife twenty years ago to the island so that his children may have a better life. Like most of us here, an immigrant or at least a transplant from the mainland. Very few islanders are original families here. You can tell the original family members if you pay any attention at all they are entirely different from Gringos.
Someone asked me once what is the difference and I said well they have souls. We all start out with souls, of course, only those who grow up on this island and stay here all their lives they live in such peace and beauty their entire lives that their precious souls never get beaten out of them.
My favorite part is the southern side of the island which is the most forested and natural area. If I gave a shit about birds, I would be able to list hundreds of species easily. But I don't. Did you know that the only living creatures related to dinosaurs are birds? That's why I don't fully trust the little bastards I think Hitchcock had it about right, frankly. Only a matter of time before the birds kill us all.
One thing I love about this island is that it has a good beach most all the way around. I don't see any structures until rounding the south side and heading back up the west side where mainly locals live in shanties lacking the amenities most of our tourists and local expatriates find essential, including myself, I am not ashamed to admit. I'm hot waters biggest fan. If you pay any attention, though, you notice that the people are by and large smiling and happy and the children are very happy. How many times I have seen people on vacation so glum compared to the local serving them and making not enough money from it to barely feed their family.
It's hard to be happy without a soul.
Near where the western side along the bay meets the northern side is the old power station with its enormous train car size generators mostly dormant now used only as backup since we put in an underwater cable from the mainland. By the time I return to our apartment taking up the second floor of Miss Avlanter's enormous old mansion, the sun is coming up. To my surprise Beverly is already on the deck watching the sunrise with a cup of coffee held in both hands blowing on it gently. A little steam rises up from the cup and her lips so close to the lip of the cup and the steam rising and the sun rising behind O man makes me love her so much you have no idea. I wish to God I could paint but I cannot draw a straight line but just this scene is the most beautiful I have ever seen in my life.
After I get a cup of coffee myself, I go out on the deck and stand behind her quietly stroking her long hair. She finally sips the coffee cautious as always truly a woman after my own heart. She says, you're taking me to breakfast this morning I'm up early.
I see that, I say. You are beyond beautiful right now. Epic beauty. Staggering. Mesmerizing -
Enough! Bev says, kissing the back of my hand. I took a piss and rushed out here so I could see the sun rise haven't even washed my face yet for God's sakes, Bull.
You doubt my perception?
It is my life's work to doubt your perceptions apparently but I love what I do – now take me in the shower then take me to breakfast I'm hungry this morning for some reason.
* * * * *
We hold hands walking up to Anita's Place and I feel very happy the morning is clear and not too hot and we have an invite to go snorkeling off a guys yacht. He's either the nicest guy in the world or else a front for some Mexican Mafia I'm not certain yet so this outing will be fun and hopefully informative.
It's easy to kill one bird with one stone, I always say, shoot for killing two birds with one stone. Why fuck around, right – I mean life's too short?
Hey Babe I was thinking what about adopting children - I would be a great dad and you would be a great mom.
Bev says, you would be a terrible dad, Bull that's out of the question – volunteer at the school with the kids maybe? I've already been a Mom, thank you very much.
I'm afraid to do that volunteer with the kiddies deal because one of the little buggers might claim I touched em in the bad place just to fuck with me.
What? Why on earth would a child do that?
O Bev I wished I lived in your world of rainbows and unicorns Jesus kids are little monsters I think I read that in Psychology Today. Have to think ahead, you know that, calculate those unlikely and often unseemly potentialities. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it. Give me credit remember when I was talking about how an airplane engine could fall out of the sky and crush someone then we saw it on the news, right?
I see it coming, Bev, it's a gift and a curse, what can I say?
You know Bull for someone who claims to have never felt fear, you sure are paranoid – you ever think about that?
You mean paranoia IS fear? Damn, I turn that around in my mind as we get to Anita's? I just learned something about myself here that I've been terrified my whole life. It was a real moment of realization for me rare thing these days.
Thank you, Beverly, you taught me something about myself.
Don't thank me, it's what I do. Welcome to the human race, Bev says. Damn I'm hungry.
