I think finally some real clarity forms for me out of the chaos that has been my life and the clarity definitely seems to come out of what could be called ACOA principles, I feel. The two latest things that really hit one came from listening to a empathic astrologer which may seem odd to some I'm sure but she drove a stake right through my heart and somehow hearing what I already knew really seemed to help me get completely clear on it. She mentioned this pattern I had been in and mentioned that it involved relationships and that I was fully aware of it and fully aware of what I had to do to change it but that I couldn't like an addict. She said I knew now that I had to break this pattern and that I could see how destructive it is and that I could see exactly where it is going.
Why did this help? I think it was like someone finally really knew me at a very deep level like was in my head and it gave me some confirmation from outside.
I was able after that to pull myself away from any advisory role in this dysfunctional situation I am in now that is so much like numerous others over the last five years that it honestly frightens me a little how it could be so when I consciously tried so hard to avoid exactly this situation? There can be no doubt that some hand is at play that is greater than my own conscious intention even if it be just my own unconscious but I suspect it is karma which I have always perceived not as a punitive force but a teaching force.
I've accepted now that this person does not care about my ... being. I was talking with a friend who is hurt by the rejection of a close friend after many years and I realized that for her this was far more painful than is my own feelings of being dismissed in a love relationship because I do not feel the person I am involved with knows who and what I am so their reaction to me lacks the kind of depth that can really hurt me as would the reaction of a very close friend who actually knows who and what I am - that would be devastating to me as I saw it was to my friend. I see that in this situation I am in it is not about me on any level and that is the problem. Literally, if I were to say anything regarding my own feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, dreams - anything, the response is "O with all I have going on I'm suppose to care about your stuff!" and I get it for this person how that is quite the reality. It is not about me at all.
I think I really get it now that it is okay for me to want "it" to be about me. I have always felt shame at being selfish it's a deep feeling in me and not without some warrant but I see that I am capable of being available to others and caring of others while deserving to have this desire to be relevant myself as well. It was a subtle thing my relationship with my single mom this emotional incestuousness and proximity abandonment like some soft, dreamlike dance we danced for those many years. I love you, mom. I understand it all now. You did love me best you could and you came back for me again and again and eventually you kept me and took care of me the very best you could.
I recall once visiting my mom not too long before she died when she told me sobbing - and she seldom cried was a strong woman, actually - "All I EVER wanted David was a good man to love me and a family. I didn't want anything special" she said looking up at me with such pain then breaking down and crying so that the last part came out broken, "but I never got that my whole life long". It broke my heart and I held her and I thought very distinctly how she had expressed perhaps my own deepest feeling. It was a terrible and haunting moment and I will never forget it.
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