Who Am I to Argue?

I find myself again with this nearly overwhelming sense of not being in the right place almost not sure of how I got here even though I can retrace my steps in my mind and I do know how I got here and I know also that every step was of my own volition no one forced me or drugged me and relocated me at any point along the way. It is this knowing, in fact, that seems to be the only thing keeping me from really unhinging this time. I have this sense of having pushed it too far, having risked too greatly and am now dealing with the consequences of multiple and catastrophic failures.

It is almost as if I am some amnesiac and I can't help but think of a line from ACOA on the false self - that one can live so long in the false self that they may forget what their own real self is altogether. Yes, there it is. It is a frightening thought and brings me up out of bed where I have been unsuccessfully trying to ground myself for some time. I tell myself look man you are right here right now but it is as if my self insists more willfully than ever - "no, I am not!"

Who am I to argue?

I wander around and wait for someone to recognize me and come up to me and say something like, "Well I'll be damned if it isn't old (fill in the blank?) come back home to (fill in the blank?) Why we were all wondering where you had gotten off to!" And when I ask, this someone will be able to tell me where my home is or at least where it used to be. This someone will be able to tell me if any of my relatives are still alive, maybe if they living there in (fill in the blank?)

But as much as I wander, and I have wandered a lot, no one as of yet has recognized me. I know this is not my house here and these are not my things, not my people, not my animals, not my landscape.  

I'm just feeling kind of sick and broken too badly to do anything but languish right now. I feel as though I am most of the way through a convoluted and annoying story for which I can imagine no good ending. I'd honestly like to just throw the book away but I can't, dammit.