The Day I Met The Universe

 

Autobiography

I spent a lot of Time looking for Him (sorry ladies, The Universe is a “Him” please don't throw things at me, I don't make the rules, and in case anyone is wondering, I didn't choose to be born ME at least not insofar as I can recall.). Anyway, long story short, found Him in a dive bar about half way between Taos and Santa Fe in New Mexico, USA. I know, right! Last place I would have thought, too? Call it serendipity. So I plopped my big ass down next to Him and put on my best acting face cause I ain't naturally speaking a “bar guy”.

“Can I buy You a drink, U?” I asked Him.

“Always,” He said without looking at me so I pointed at his glass and winked at the bartender who rolled his eyes and let out a weird sound that I guess could be called a sigh after which he reached up and grabbed a mostly spent bottle of “Vat 69 Blended Scotch Whiskey” which I had never heard of before and poured it unceremoniously into The Universe's glass in single, polished move that recalled to me gymnastics or ballet, maybe?

I can't say how I came to this conclusion, but it occurred to me that at this moment it was fairly early in the evening and I felt that I had really stumbled into something here. For whatever reason, it was not really a big surprise to me to find that The Universe is a Lush. I mean the Big Guy had an awful lot on His shoulders. I found this to be fortuitous, in fact, believing myself to be something of an expert upon Lushes due to early childhood trauma, let's say. I had wanted to find The Universe originally in order to ask Him a favor. I wanted to find “her” - you know, “the one” that probably mythical Soulmate often spoken of by typically New Age female types and seldom if ever actually found. This inclination in itself betrays my own underlying insanity but be that as it may. It occurred to me that The Universe had a “sweet spot” like a lot of drunks wherein for a brief period of time fairly early on in his drinking, he would hit a window of “happy spot” opportunity wherein he would be most favorably predisposed to granting the wishes of foolish humans such as myself. So I hoped, at least. I chatted him up for a while and bought him a few more rounds. This is circa Spring of 2012. When I felt it was most opportune, The Universe laughing now and literally back slapping me, just very slightly slurring His words, I hit Him up with my request.

“O” he laughed and laughed so hard that he started to cough, “you hopeless romantic, David. Normally, I don't do personal wishes, mind you, but you caught me at a good time. U got it!”

I couldn't believe my luck at the time and left that bar high on hope. I never wanted fame, fortune, power, wealth … only “her” … for better or worse. But now some years later I have learned that The Universe is a terrible drunkard and cannot be trusted with your wishes. So don't waste your money buying Him drinks.