Bulwonkle, Tourist Detective (On Work and Love) Fiction by David Sky

I know Freud is dead but I'll tell you he nailed this one thing, that life is all about Love and Work.

Keep it simple when it comes to philosophy I mean literally as in the less syllables the better. Years of inner searching and a fantastic and very weird mass of life experience whittled my own personal philosophy down to, “Bev”.

I know, right.

Knocked that one out of the park and in YOUR FACE Kierkegaard. So the love part got that in spades.

Work is good to me as well so way I see it I am blessed in this life. Few understand my work such is my lot in life. It is an occupational hazards that is unavoidable. I work deep, deep undercover for the Tourist Police. How deep you may wonder? So deep THEY don't even know it. Corruption is everywhere in our fair republic but my work is to stay underneath all the corruption until it presents a clear and preset danger to tourist or tourism.

By and large, it is really safe here, of course. But always there are few bad apples and my natural talent is to identify them simply by looking in their eyes. Takes one to know one kind of thing. Hell, half the folks visiting our fair isle are from the states where if one were self hating enough to watch the evening news, murder is rampant. I mean here sure you might get your laptop snatched but your chances of dying by crime are much lower here than of being crushed by an airplane engine falling randomly out of the sky. And I have the data somewhere to back that up, I'm sure.

Bet you can't say that about the states now can you?

And you know the thing is that I love people, right. I'm a people person always have been. I'm a world class hugger too doesn't matter to me how hot and humid it's been all day. Listen the first rule of being a deep, deep cover Tourist Detective is tell no one. I do not even tell Beverly the extent of my mission to protect her in case my identity were ever discovered by the wrong people. So I just engage in my own special brand of community undercover detective work.

I approach a nice family I haven't seen before - Hi folks, good morning to you and may I welcome you to the island! I give an enthusiastic welcome to this big family from … somewhere where they do not get much exercise or sun ? Hugs all around. Couple with two kids. The kids smile and hug me back.

Where you guys from? I ask.

Peoria, IL, the couple says almost in unison then laugh. Bob, says Bob. Cindy says Cindy.

(I feel the positive energy already rising now do you see why I love my work?) I reach into my left pocket and grab a handful of sandwich size zip lock plastic bags – a present and a free tip of the day for you folks, I hand Bob the plastic bags with a slight flourish. (I mean who doesn't love a present, right?)

What's this for? Bob asks

Each of you keep one in your pocket at all times then when a downpour breaks out, you can put your cell phone in their and just go ahead and enjoy getting soaked in paradise.

Both of them look up into the clear blue skies overhead. Cindy says, but there's not a cloud in the sky. Bob is shaking his head in agreement. Doesn't look like rain, he says skeptically.

Well, I tell them, politely, the weather can change here in the tropics in a heart beat. Always be prepared is my motto. Have a wonderful time guys, I bid them farewell and stride forth into another day in paradise where love and work are perfect.

Beverly said once that the biggest thing she loves about me is my unbridled enthusiasm for living. I asked if it is okay if the biggest thing I loved about her is her lips? But anyway, I say just jump on life and hump it and thank God for your good luck, man. It's no more complicated than that ?

Chronicles of Bulwonkle, Tourist Detective (Fiction by David Sky) "Morning on the Island"

Beverly sleeps late. My body on the other hand wakes itself at first light always has. I think something is a little off with me because I have never felt fear in my life but just the thought of living in Alaska and not being able to sleep for weeks or even months on end … now that's scary to me because I need my sleep. Without a solid six hours, I'm for shit, man.

I like to run the beach around the island before the sun is even up. It took a long time for my feet to harden enough to make it barefoot. Sounds easy right I mean it's just sand but haul ass in it for a good hour to make it around the whole island that can be a pounding, believe me. I try to warn people that paradise will sneak up on you and just clean your clock it's terrible for that because no one ever sees it coming because it's “paradise”. Except me, of course.

I always go clockwise around because I'm right handed. I like this time of morning it's light enough to see but the island is still mostly sleeping or just rising and usually a sea breeze is just starting to kick up and birds sing and chirp and squawk. Big, fat Iguana watch from their perches in the trees and countless lizards scatter underfoot. I never get tired of the lizards here they're the smartest goddamn creatures on earth – did you know that? Just the way they cock their heads an look you right in the eye all the time as if to say, “I got you all figured out, Human”.

This whole eastern side catches the predominate winds and on my right a series of mostly three story beach condos soak up every centimeter of sea frontage. I hear my name as a hand pops out the window a boat docked and I wave back, “morning Augustus. Good hunting!” Lobster this time of year but Augustus would come back with fish as well you could count on it and I do often do business in the evening. He came from Honduras with his wife twenty years ago to the island so that his children may have a better life. Like most of us here, an immigrant or at least a transplant from the mainland. Very few islanders are original families here. You can tell the original family members if you pay any attention at all they are entirely different from Gringos.

Someone asked me once what is the difference and I said well they have souls. We all start out with souls, of course, only those who grow up on this island and stay here all their lives they live in such peace and beauty their entire lives that their precious souls never get beaten out of them.

My favorite part is the southern side of the island which is the most forested and natural area. If I gave a shit about birds, I would be able to list hundreds of species easily. But I don't. Did you know that the only living creatures related to dinosaurs are birds? That's why I don't fully trust the little bastards I think Hitchcock had it about right, frankly. Only a matter of time before the birds kill us all.

One thing I love about this island is that it has a good beach most all the way around. I don't see any structures until rounding the south side and heading back up the west side where mainly locals live in shanties lacking the amenities most of our tourists and local expatriates find essential, including myself, I am not ashamed to admit. I'm hot waters biggest fan. If you pay any attention, though, you notice that the people are by and large smiling and happy and the children are very happy. How many times I have seen people on vacation so glum compared to the local serving them and making not enough money from it to barely feed their family.

It's hard to be happy without a soul.

Near where the western side along the bay meets the northern side is the old power station with its enormous train car size generators mostly dormant now used only as backup since we put in an underwater cable from the mainland. By the time I return to our apartment taking up the second floor of Miss Avlanter's enormous old mansion, the sun is coming up. To my surprise Beverly is already on the deck watching the sunrise with a cup of coffee held in both hands blowing on it gently. A little steam rises up from the cup and her lips so close to the lip of the cup and the steam rising and the sun rising behind O man makes me love her so much you have no idea. I wish to God I could paint but I cannot draw a straight line but just this scene is the most beautiful I have ever seen in my life.

After I get a cup of coffee myself, I go out on the deck and stand behind her quietly stroking her long hair. She finally sips the coffee cautious as always truly a woman after my own heart. She says, you're taking me to breakfast this morning I'm up early.

I see that, I say. You are beyond beautiful right now. Epic beauty. Staggering. Mesmerizing -

Enough! Bev says, kissing the back of my hand. I took a piss and rushed out here so I could see the sun rise haven't even washed my face yet for God's sakes, Bull.

You doubt my perception?

It is my life's work to doubt your perceptions apparently but I love what I do – now take me in the shower then take me to breakfast I'm hungry this morning for some reason.
* * * * *

We hold hands walking up to Anita's Place and I feel very happy the morning is clear and not too hot and we have an invite to go snorkeling off a guys yacht. He's either the nicest guy in the world or else a front for some Mexican Mafia I'm not certain yet so this outing will be fun and hopefully informative.

It's easy to kill one bird with one stone, I always say, shoot for killing two birds with one stone. Why fuck around, right – I mean life's too short?

Hey Babe I was thinking what about adopting children - I would be a great dad and you would be a great mom.

Bev says, you would be a terrible dad, Bull that's out of the question – volunteer at the school with the kids maybe? I've already been a Mom, thank you very much.

I'm afraid to do that volunteer with the kiddies deal because one of the little buggers might claim I touched em in the bad place just to fuck with me.

What? Why on earth would a child do that?

O Bev I wished I lived in your world of rainbows and unicorns Jesus kids are little monsters I think I read that in Psychology Today. Have to think ahead, you know that, calculate those unlikely and often unseemly potentialities. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it. Give me credit remember when I was talking about how an airplane engine could fall out of the sky and crush someone then we saw it on the news, right?

I see it coming, Bev, it's a gift and a curse, what can I say?

You know Bull for someone who claims to have never felt fear, you sure are paranoid – you ever think about that?

You mean paranoia IS fear? Damn, I turn that around in my mind as we get to Anita's? I just learned something about myself here that I've been terrified my whole life. It was a real moment of realization for me rare thing these days.

Thank you, Beverly, you taught me something about myself.

Don't thank me, it's what I do. Welcome to the human race, Bev says. Damn I'm hungry.

Covid 19

I'd like to say that for me what I believe deeply is that, "Everything that ever was, ever will be, or is right now, is perfect" and this is a complex belief but rock solid within me for my own reasons. In terms of the virus and of the New World Order/Conspiracy mindedness, I have been, I am and I will continue to ignore it to the best of my ability. I choose to focus my energy upon my life and those I love for I have only so much energy.


Whatever forces there may be, totalitarian, spiritual, whatever, they get my body only not my mind and not my eternal soul. What I will not give to them any longer is FEAR. I have no fear. I don't know why this has happened as I have been fearful all of my life but now I have no fear and believe me, these

mutherfuckers be what they are, they relish our FEAR. They'll starve to death if they have to live off of David B Sky cause I ain't on the menu anymore, Friends

An American Wedding

Our Golem bride, America,  blasphemously wearing white led down the shaky stern of the ship of fools serving as the wedding aisle to a wedding march played with commitment by her father the Wharf Rat who is well over two hundred years old. The groom awaits with arms folded in front of him out on the open deck with Reverend Fear, cloaked head bowed. The groom smiling proudly a toothy smile of perfectly whitened teeth the size of piano keys with this slight tilt to his magnificently square head, his enormous – corn fed! - body dwarfing Reverend Fear.

Anyone paying attention notices he has an actual rocket not quite in his pocket.

Under the sickeningly unnatural light of the apocalypse, the sky roiling in burnt colors of purple, orange and red, lit as if by some unholy fire, the wedding party upon the becalmed ship of fools drifts helplessly  on a sea awash in the color of radiator fluid ebbing inexorably toward the cataracts of the abyss.

When America our Golem bride stands at last before her husband to be, her father the Wharf Rat quiets the keys of his piano.

“America,” Reverend Fear asks in an oddly sepulchral tone - “do you take this ICBM for your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.” America affirms.

“ICBM,” do you take this beautiful Golem Bride for your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do,” affirms the groom.

Reverend Fear declares, “by the powers vested in me by the State of Fear, I now pronounce you man and wife. ICBM, you may kiss your bride - ”

KA-BOOM!

Amalie - I'll always miss you - c'est la vie

 The first thing I saw was her smile and it made me smile and then I heard her laugh and thought my God there it is the smile set loose so free and clear her laughter is like the winds rustling the boughs of trees like rain pelting the soft earth like birds soaring through strides of sheer, blue sky overhead and when she first threw back her head and laughed that is when my heart left me for her, a minor sin for which he is forgiven since forsaking my chest for hers is what my heart was born to do. It is both my curse and my blessing to know the meanings of things great and small. I saw first that she does not color her hair and that itself spoke volumes to me and stirred me with longings even that first pull of lust for I know the meaning of this thing. Then I saw that she does not wear one shred of make up and knowing the meaning of that, my knees grew weak and I almost hit the ground: my God man she is genuine thoughtlessly, effortlessly, seamlessly genuine from head to toe, from bone to soul. Her love flows without restraint or measure as freely as sunshine pouring down from the heavens above and not just for me but for every living thing and confession that this pulled a little at me for truth be told I am not perfect and I am a selfish man and I would want all that love just for myself but I am cursed with knowing how things work in this world and I so knew that this is her blessing and that God Almighty demands I must share her love with the world no different than sharing the sunlight pouring down from the heavens with every living soul and thankfully for me and thankfully for us all love is that one single thing that knows no measure and abides no containment whatsoever. She is smart enough to go places I go and smart enough to get to some before I do and wise enough to laugh at me sometimes not with me and she takes me out of my head not an easy thing to do and a blessing in itself making me a softer thing, a happier thing, a more joyful thing than I naturally am. She is so good for me. She is sexy and alive and funny and more whole and centered a thing than I am. She did not have to open her heart how that is such a marvel to me for whom it was a seemingly impossible task opening my own heart knowing that her heart just is existing free and clear as her smile and her laughter I am quite certain from the moment of her first breath. She does not have to try to be strong because she is strong. She does not have to try to be feminine because she is feminine. She has known the pains of being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a woman and I know this is the only down side to having an open heart that these so human pains are multiplied and this I remind myself because some part of me wants to believe that she has never known any pain her whole life long for just thinking of her in any kind of pain is almost more than I can bare. When she is vulnerable I feel like I know for a moment what that love might be like of a parent for their child this love that I have never known in life and my God man what a breathtaking and terrifying love like teetering on the abyss that is as if your heart beats outside your own chest and the very breath you breathe is not quite your own to take. The problem with knowing things is that you can never unknow them but knowing her is without regret, a treasured gift that I will now take with me in measureless gratitude and love into the hallowed halls of eternity.

Believe in Your Heart - metaphysical essay

The average human heart weights in well under one pound, no bigger than your fist, it’s a baby, an infant, this helpless thing, non verbal but as precious as any new born infant you can fold into your chest ever so gently rocking and cooing the reassurances that the very best of humanity can bring to bear. The average beat the heart maintains from first breath to last is the metronome of the universe, make no mistake, not only pumping life’s blood through a hundred thousand miles of arteries, veins and capillaries, but pumping life through all of the vast universe itself – a miraculous and unfathomable thing, the heart. If you listen carefully, quietly, the heart does speak to you and with the exact same metronomic certainty with which it pumps life giving blood throughout the entire universe that is You.

“Everything will not be alright,” says the heart when you do listen, “everything already IS alright. Everything has always been alright,” the heart insists, over and over and over again, “and everything will always be alright – if you believe it”.

The heart finishes so lovingly, so wise for an infant, “and you get to choose what you believe, My Love", the heart assures you, beat after beat after beat - “so why not believe in me”.

Head vs Heart - Comedy

How fearless, how strong, how indomitable, how utterly dauntless is this heart of mine ...

"Raise every mast for full sail!" says Heart.

"Wait ... what! No!" Head is not happy, to say the least, "O man common this will NOT END WELL!!!"

It's okay, I try to reassure Head - you'd think I'd be better at it by now having had soo much practice -

But Head, as usual, is not having it, "But what if there's a storm, what if there are shoals, unforeseen obstacles and problems I mean this is the OCEAN and where the hell are those nautical maps, dammit man, we're in uncharted waters if we don't have nautical maps, for the love of God, Boss THINK about what Heart is DOING!!!"

Shush, Head, just look at the bright side, the sea air blowing our hair, breathe in the salt air isn't it amazing? Take a deep breath - O wow you can taste the salt water. Just breathe! Isn't it a Joy, a Gift to be alive!

"We're going for it" says Heart smiling, in his element now, "if it doesn't end well, this will just be the most perfect disaster EvEr and we'll call it a significant move in the right direction. We came here to ply the seas, right? So if we're not going to sail then what the hell is the point?".

Whoa, that's a long speech from Heart. I guess when you've been broken, battered and defeated in so many places and so many times that finally enough light gets in that you just aren't afraid of the darkness anymore?

Hear that, Head, that's Heart saying put up or shut up - now come on, we got work to do, Head - all hands on deck!