Trip Report Gila Wilderness, New Mexico - Four Grams dried psilocybin mushrooms

April 2008

Once I spoke to Eternity personified as a female Goddess possessing or expressing an infinite seeming love characterized by a kind of patience that I don't exactly know how to describe like some perfect or archetypal mother. At this time, I was under the impression that our Gaian Mother was my mother and this notion was quite dear to my heart, very important to me. In this experience under the influence of a high dose of psilocybin alone deep in a million acre New Mexico wilderness, came Eternity and I still can recall her voice - compelling. I was trying to pull away and she would say ever so gently but compellingly, "David, come back here, now, listen to me now" tapping simultaneously her nails upon something hard - I could not see her then in an altered state of reality physically unconscious but when I "looked up" at the direction I heard her voice coming from, I could see a classical white, Greek pillar behind which shone a bright light that if this pillar were not blocking, I felt surely would kill me. This light seemed to be her, Eternity, who spoke so gently, so insistently to me.

"David, you need to listen, I need to tell you something now" Eternity insists, tap tap tap tap, to get my attention.

"Yes?" I finally managed blinking looking at this pillar above me and the blinding white light behind it.

"She is not your mother, Honey. Do you understand".

I do understand, I understand it all even before she says and I begin to sob and I think likely actually began to sob, now in mid morning sun in the middle of an empty field, alone, next to the Gila River. My heart is broken like never before as if some final insult to my most dearly held delusion was just then stripped away leaving me as naked emotionally and spiritually as I was in reality there in that field. Of course, I thought, of course how did I not see this? I didn't want to see it. I couldn't see it. A child abandoned by by his father and his mother who had found the Great Gaian Mother of us All and clung to her thigh as would any abandoned child. When she put her hand gently upon my head and comforted me, that saved my life - literally. My love for her is the love of a child for his mother.

"David I am so sorry," Eternity is saying while I am still lost in convulsive grief, "but you must accept this if you want to continue your journey, you must," and I thought listening to her that I do accept it, I see the truth of it, feeling through my grief some odd sense of shame for not having seen it sooner, how foolish and childish I had been in my delusion. As if to comfort me, Eternity, also a mother, is saying, "She is the Mother of your body, David. The Earth Mother she gave you this physical vessel in which to invest yourself while in this physical incarnation so in that sense she is then the mother of your body but your eternal spirit as you know was never born so you have no mother or father those are mere constructs of this incarnation, this reality here, same as time, pain, loss, abandonment all those feelings and all the delusions of your flesh and blood life that She, yes, the Gaian Mother of your body, has made possible for the singular edification of your eternal spirit."

I "woke" then finding myself on my knees, naked, in the middle of a small clearing, having disrobed and apparently crawled out 30 feet or so from my camp under the pines, my face, neck, chest and belly covered in sand made wet with my tears and some got in my eyes and I am sitting on my knees and had been for I don't know how long. I try to stand but my legs are asleep and I pitch forward, face planting into the sandy earth. After some indeterminate length of time, just lying there feeling the warm sandy, earth against the side of my face, I stand up seeing my backpacking camp a few yards away under a Ponderosa Pine finding it vaguely reassuring, making some note that I am not, after all, completely naked in the wilderness. I have everything i need right there to survive and comfort myself even and in fact having been out this now the fifth day having in all that time not seen another soul. I stumble then forward about 20 yards to the Gila River here merely a large creek maybe 20 feet wide and three feet deep at the center and I plunge into the water and it is freezing cold and shocking and I wash the sand from my face, out of my hair, out of my eyes, my body and stumble back up onto the bank and sit shivering in the hot, noon day sun.

I remember the Voice of Eternity and look around in awe at the beauty of the Gila Wilderness, the canyon country I am in, grateful to be alone so that no one thinks me insane and grateful to the Great Gaian Mother of our bodies for giving me what I now call this DNA Body Machine, knowing that in only a few short years I will give this body back up to her for from dust we are made and to dust we shall return. All things in this reality begin and end - a fantastic and utterly novel experience for an Eternal Being. One that apparently we need to experience in order to negotiate the hallowed halls of eternity itself.