12/3/2013 - What I "Do"

(Dissociation By Design: A Technique for Emotional Healing I evolved to integrate disintegrative aspects of my self - or, in the spirit of "dissociation by design", perhaps I should say rather a technique that "my savior complex" evolved to "save me" - having been born a savior baby and having failed as most Savior Babies do.

At first in this it required a fairly deep self hypnotic trance something I cultivated after undergoing hypnotic therapy with therapist something I found particularly helpful therapeutically speaking because, it seems, this involved actually "doing something" or so it seemed to me. Earlier and for a fairly brief window of time and in the spirit of healing from a shamanic point of view, I had systematically cracked open my mind with large dose psilocybin mushroom experiences leading to ego death and out of body experiences that first transformed me from a lifelong atheist into one who knows beyond words exactly what and who I am, an eternal being much greater in nature than this ego-personality self.

An awareness that my maternal grandmother long deceased is my presiding Protective Angel, gave me the confidence to consciously dissociate aspects of self in order to then put the pieces back together in a new way of my own mature intention now rather than trying to deal with "them" in their existing form as "programs" written in childhood by an innocent child simply trying as all abused children do to survive. It is not so radical if I consider that our mind is in some since merely a fantastically complex, three dimensional computer. These aspects of self I refer to for my own purposes of clarity in this as "programs" very much as in a computer program. I "change" them by first methodically introspective analysis then by using self hypnosis, creative visualizations and neuro-linguistic programing techniques.

The dissociation by design came roughly five years after the mushroom experiences but throughout that time I was following a spiritual path that "they" started me on because the healing attempt that prompted their usage in the first place lead quickly to a realization that any healing in this matter would not be emotional but spiritual - those mushrooms gave me this - gave me a soul, an eternal spirit. All healing is spiritual healing. All is spiritual. Spiritual is not in a church, in a special place or in a special technique or off somewhere after death. It is everything, everywhere, right here and now.)

A dream last night again of wandering lost in this world and I wake early this morning deep in thoughts of abandonment and I find some strength finally to try to deal with this "abandonment issue" which I now know is a program running in the background of my mind having been "written" decades ago but running in my unconscious wherein "time" as we consciously know time does not exist for I know that in the unconscious as in the greater reality of which this reality is a subset, time does not exist such that this "abandonment program" was not "written" decades ago at all in the unconscious, it was just written.

Before raising my head from my pillow, in the dark of predawn, this abandonment dream fresh in my mind, I turn into it not angrily or militantly but softly now sort of now just turning into abandonment not as a nemesis to be conquered but as a friend. It is hard to put into words but this is my days “work” now I see. I sit down next to abandonment and put my arm around its shoulder and draw it close against my body.

“I’m sorry,” I tell it.

We both cry now. Not hard. Not at first. Then it turns and puts its head on my shoulder and lets loose all the pain of it, of abandonment. Not panic now. Soft, full pain welling up like some spring from deep inside the earth flowing freely and I begin to see that this spring water never runs dry no matter how long a drought may come it just keeps flowing from its source somewhere deep underground unseen - unknowable.

I hug abandonment a little closer my arm around it’s shoulder and I lean over and kiss abandonment on the side of it’s head - “I’m so sorry,” I say. “I never saw your side of it. I am self centered. I was an only child. I was afraid. I felt so alone.”

And abandonment only cries harder. Buries it’s head deeper into my chest as I shift to get both arms around it’s body so it can loose itself in my body. I hold it tight now. It is all I can do really my words are lost on it and what it needs is to be held of this I have no doubt for such is my only consolation and of course, of course, this abandonment is only my self. If a child is forlorn such as this, would you talk to the child or hold the child close to your chest? It is the same thing here.

After some indeterminate length of time, abandonment settles down and pulls away slightly although my arm is still around it’s shoulder but it pulls back enough to look me in the eye. It is searching for something in me, for something from me, asking me for something with it’s eyes. It needs something from me, I see that. I know that love is the right answer to any question -

“Of course I love you,” I tell it truly. “I am sorry that I have feared you my whole life and pushed you away but now I know the truth of things, abandonment. I love you because I love every part of what I am now. I love everything. What I see without irony is that you, abandonment, are the one who never left me my whole life through.”

I get up finally from bed and get a cup of coffee and open my laptop and Google: Zen Buddhism on emotional abandonment issues and I read for about an hour through various things and the first thing that jumps out at me is from a Buddhist blog wherein people are speaking of their fathers having abandoned them and I think, huh, I kind of had forgotten that I never had a father at all and of how as they people are lamenting he was never in my life, never cared to know me at all. I focus on my mother abandoning me. I know that she did what she had to do and that she did ultimately by my early teens take possession of my once and for all. I know that for an uneducated woman in the sixties it was not easy to raise a child. I have had extensive therapy and I know the vernacular of it all, I know the machinations of this machine. What I need now is to "DO" something for that is my work and has been for a while to actually do something and what has been the final help after so much help from mushrooms to angels has been an understanding of the energy of things, of us, energy, like our eternal selves that reside in these "DNA Machine Bodies" of ours, energy is never created or destroyed.

I feel something move inside my chest in this and I close my eyes and put my hand on my own chest applying a little pressure. It is the abandonment itself which I have always felt as a hollowness in my solar plexus but now it has moved into my heart space and I do not exactly understand why but I know this is a real thing, an important movement? It is so frightened like a little bird trapped in there? But from my reading just now I began to feel that this abandonment issue is a gift given me in this life - an opportunity. I have already come to understand without question that everything is for a good reason whether I like it or even understand the why of it, that as the mushrooms had told me, "everything that ever was, ever will be or is right now, is perfect" but I feel it now with my hand on my chest and BOOM the visualization that is so key for me in transforming these disintegrative aspects of self into integration comes: a gift.

I visualize the abandonment within my heart center simply as a box wrapped in blue paper tied with a pink ribbon and topped with a pink bow - the visualization I have found is best kept simple, sometimes almost cartoonish? So this is perfect.

"Thank you," I say out loud, "for this gift" and I feel gratitude. My light thought on it is that in only a few decades - best case scenario - I will move from this body back into that greater reality in which this reality is a subset and I do not want to cling to this body then feeling that it "abandoned me" - one of the curses and blessings of my childhood trauma is that I tend to look ahead.

I can't be sure that this will set this matter to rest but I know now that when I feel the abandonment feeling, I will put my hand on my own chest, bow my head slightly as I do when visualizing within my own heart center, and visualize that gift box and I will give thanks for this gift given to me by ... I don't really know, I guess, I want to say by "God" but God is a highly abstract and complex noun and leads to much in the way of misunderstanding but as always, I know what I mean by it.

Note: "Gift energy" is free and clear energy like love energy so choosing to see this as a "gift" I hope will have especially strong powers of healing since gift energy comes at no cost, again, as does love energy?