"The exact timing of tonight’s Full Moon occurs at 4:28 AM EST/9:28 Universal Time (UT) on Tuesday, December 17th" ...
and so I see the synchronicity of this full moon on my birthday because I have realized once and for all time that The Universe Itself whispers loving encouragements constantly in our ears and I promised The Universe that I would never fail to open the door on the first knock for the rest of my life here. The Universe always knocks three times regarding important soul or heart issues in our lives, I feel. Trying to help us resolve them. After the third knock, The Universe does not knock again and leaves us to tussle with whatever the issue is forever or until we do come to terms with it as it abides with us in some form, "disguised" often. After this third "knock", the issue becomes what I think many refer to as "karma"? By paying attention to these knocks, by listening and hearing the constant stream of loving encouragement given me, I hope to keep unraveling the karma in this life while creating no more - only a partial success insofar as creating no more part while unraveling existing karma seems to be coming along well. But when I do create karma now it is no longer out of ignorance but willful which multiples the karmic effect so much that it is a bit terrifying to think of?
Birthday Magic upon me and like so often in spiritual matters I feel something but do not know the why and the feeling is ...that I can make one wish which is odd because my mind tells me that is self limiting thinking and wrong - my mind says, "make as many wishes as you can - wish for anything, for everything - only imagination is the limit so do not limit". But my feeling is clear, "No. One. Choice. Choose. This is the power in this matter" And somehow I know what the choice is and it is not whether or not to choose selfishly or for world peace. Sadly, perhaps. But this is about a personal choice. And I choose to be whole once and for all. This wish regards only the sanctity of my own heart which is rightfully my domain to claim.
I want to choose something else but I realize that the choice I want to make is not actually a personal choice so in fact is not fair game anyway. What I want more than anything I already "have" insofar as we can "have" anything, that is. My Soulmate. Yet out of this bottomless hole of need that I herein try to deal with, my wish plaintively would have been, "Dear God I have wanted so little in this life, You know that I have seldom come asking of You, but please do not take this love from me in any way. Don't let her leave me. It is my one fear. My last fear. The Only Fear." I had thought I had comes so far but this love has thrown me back to square one. I know now that this is a blessing and The Universe's way of loving me by trying to make me a better thing. But I do not waste my wish on this insecurity because I am wise enough at least to know it would be a waste. I know that I would be wishing for what I already have. So instead I pray to God please keep her safe. On my knees sincerely I pray. Please, God. Having been brought back to God by this very fear itself and the realization that no magic can allay this fear of losing her for even as I will lose this physical life itself, I will surely loose her eventually and that I am powerless against it and that I need His help. I come back under the weight of this fear utterly humbled. Make no mistake, IF I thought that was a choice I could make in this wish, I would choose to bind her to me even knowing it would be the wrong choice when weighed against being whole, you see. I would make the wrong choice not out of ignorance but willfully if I could. I would do it knowing full well the karma of it would follow me most assuredly into the next life. I am not perfect. I don't even want to be perfect. Just whole.
So I choose for my wish to once and for all time be whole and by that I mean my intention is to replace this empty feeling that I know is abandonment fear that I have felt my whole life long in my solar plexus and that has been the curse of my existence here in this life in this physical reality in this DNA Machine Body in this persona known to others as David Brian Sky with love. My intention is for self love to fill this emptiness completely like light so bright that it dissolves the dark that is this inner emptiness I hear name: "The Last Demon", Abandonment Panic. I call it out and own it and now I do not run from you, Demon. I turn upon you and embrace you. A love of abandoning and being abandoned that you represent. You who with cosmic ironic never have abandoned me while all others either have or been abandoned by me. I cannot do this alone I know for I have tried. I have no magic to dispel you but I do have help. I have an army of angels and the love of God Almighty that I can call down upon you in this battle like artillery called down into the fray from afar. I choose this night at 4:28AM, this exact timing of a full moon on my birthday, to face you head on, once and for all. I call you out in this matter at the risk of empowering you with my firm intention being to dissolve your darkness in the blinding white light of love everlasting.
* * * *
I have used a dream pad for years to ask questions of my unconscious self by writing them down on this pad and looking at it just before sleep achieving over time a remarkable report with my unconscious as the question is usually "answered" with a dream sometimes requiring interpretation but often given in a rather obvious manner. During a period in the summer of 2012 of extraordinary personal spiritual growth characterized also by real emotional and even physical healing, a part of myself that I called, "The Autistic Child" came up with using this dream pad in a very different manner. I began then to use it in a more active manner for deep programming of my mind asking now my unconscious not to answer a question but to actually perform certain tasks usually regarding creating in my unconscious mind what I called "programs" wherein I sought to reprogram old childhood programs to new ends of my own, considered adult design by thoroughly considering, for instance, the psychological purpose of Ego Boundaries, in depth and then "designing" my own new ego boundaries via a self programming technique using self hypnosis, visualizations and Neuro-linguistic programming along with this dream pad deep programming at night. My "Autistic Child" self helped in this having arisen during this period I designated, The 52 Days of Magic, and I know now that Autistic Child is something of a misnomer that this is actually the Asperger part of my own mind that I had repressed in early adulthood because it is wholly inadequate in helping with adult matters so necessary to basic survival but which was unbeknownst to me at the time responsible for my creative writing ability and that by repressing it I had inadvertently caused a severe writers block that lasted 28 years. The first night that I attempted to use the pad for programming, I was getting ready to write on it and draw on it a diagram in this particular case when I thought popped up that I felt was from this Autistic Child self: "turn the pad from vertical to horizontal before writing on it. This will be a clear visual signal to unconscious self that we are doing something different now." I remember literally saying out loud, "Thank you" with tears of gratitude to this Autistic Child self immediately recognizing the validity of such a statement in this wholly unprecedented procedure knowing full well that my conscious identity would never have thought of such a thing. I include this night's programming on a picture of the dream pad - I've found that keeping it as simple as possible is best. This night it is not properly a matter of programming but is similar in that I am asking the unconscious to do something also I would use this technique to ask my astral body to do things such as asking it to go out into the world and find "her" which it did. So since my astral body is a proven performer, as it were, I call upon now to help in this matter. My suspicion here is that it will be best to do this in sleep taking "the enemy" by surprise and bringing all my greatest forces to bare on it, I feel. Thank you Sun Tzu.
Physically, I am much reassured this evening before sleep and rest as easy as I can reminded once again that my concerns of abandonment in this new relationship is internal not external. I wake at 4:39AM and after going to the bathroom lay for a moment surrounding us both in white light visualized within my heart center of self as I lay in bed again. I can detect nothing consciously and I think of how important faith is. Not just a word. Faith is an angel with a sword. Come to me, Faith, I ask of Her. Be close. Waking at 5:20 to the rude protests of the alarm, I make coffee for my Lioness and a sandwich for lunch and see her off to work and then I go back to sleep which I never can do. I dream of going into a fantastical mansion with gargoyles and amazing architecture of grandiose and complex designs. It clearly recalls last weekend in conscious life when we did a couples thing visiting a local old town area where she bought some Christmas ornaments. The inside of this house is enormous and a maze of complex passages with many rooms and I surely do loose Rosie inside
I do not find Rosie in this dream and when I reach for my phone to text her, of course the phone is gone. I then cannot even recall what her number is in the dream so find myself with her gone and no way to even contact her. Waking, I find the terrible feeling in this dream to be exactly the worse manifestation of this feeling in my actually. At the end of the dream, I am speaking with a guy who works in this house of knick knacks and we are talking about how dismal the job situation is and he is saying, "I'm only a few paychecks away from being on the street myself if I'm honest about it." And I respond, "who isn't. Me too for sure. At least you have family, I assume," seeing he is fairly young guy. "I do," he says, "that is some consolation." "Not me," I say at the very end of the dream, "I am utterly alone in this world".
I wake not knowing quite what to think but I smile confident that I had indeed programmed the unconscious and before arising I place my hand on my chest as I do so often now applying light pressure and focusing my self into this heart place: "fill this empty space with love" I ask. "Once and for all". I look at the birthday card that she has given me and it is absolutely beautiful and perfect and I know that she choose it with ... love. I cry reading it. It says exactly what I need to hear. It occurs to me not for the first time that a good Shaman does not waste any resource in his healing efforts and that she herself appears to be playing a part in this particular healing attempt. I can't quite grasp the ramifications of this whether there is some irony here in her helping me with my fear of losing her or if this is actually the most natural thing in the world for her to do and I'm simply overthinking it as I am want to do?
and so I see the synchronicity of this full moon on my birthday because I have realized once and for all time that The Universe Itself whispers loving encouragements constantly in our ears and I promised The Universe that I would never fail to open the door on the first knock for the rest of my life here. The Universe always knocks three times regarding important soul or heart issues in our lives, I feel. Trying to help us resolve them. After the third knock, The Universe does not knock again and leaves us to tussle with whatever the issue is forever or until we do come to terms with it as it abides with us in some form, "disguised" often. After this third "knock", the issue becomes what I think many refer to as "karma"? By paying attention to these knocks, by listening and hearing the constant stream of loving encouragement given me, I hope to keep unraveling the karma in this life while creating no more - only a partial success insofar as creating no more part while unraveling existing karma seems to be coming along well. But when I do create karma now it is no longer out of ignorance but willful which multiples the karmic effect so much that it is a bit terrifying to think of?
Birthday Magic upon me and like so often in spiritual matters I feel something but do not know the why and the feeling is ...that I can make one wish which is odd because my mind tells me that is self limiting thinking and wrong - my mind says, "make as many wishes as you can - wish for anything, for everything - only imagination is the limit so do not limit". But my feeling is clear, "No. One. Choice. Choose. This is the power in this matter" And somehow I know what the choice is and it is not whether or not to choose selfishly or for world peace. Sadly, perhaps. But this is about a personal choice. And I choose to be whole once and for all. This wish regards only the sanctity of my own heart which is rightfully my domain to claim.
I want to choose something else but I realize that the choice I want to make is not actually a personal choice so in fact is not fair game anyway. What I want more than anything I already "have" insofar as we can "have" anything, that is. My Soulmate. Yet out of this bottomless hole of need that I herein try to deal with, my wish plaintively would have been, "Dear God I have wanted so little in this life, You know that I have seldom come asking of You, but please do not take this love from me in any way. Don't let her leave me. It is my one fear. My last fear. The Only Fear." I had thought I had comes so far but this love has thrown me back to square one. I know now that this is a blessing and The Universe's way of loving me by trying to make me a better thing. But I do not waste my wish on this insecurity because I am wise enough at least to know it would be a waste. I know that I would be wishing for what I already have. So instead I pray to God please keep her safe. On my knees sincerely I pray. Please, God. Having been brought back to God by this very fear itself and the realization that no magic can allay this fear of losing her for even as I will lose this physical life itself, I will surely loose her eventually and that I am powerless against it and that I need His help. I come back under the weight of this fear utterly humbled. Make no mistake, IF I thought that was a choice I could make in this wish, I would choose to bind her to me even knowing it would be the wrong choice when weighed against being whole, you see. I would make the wrong choice not out of ignorance but willfully if I could. I would do it knowing full well the karma of it would follow me most assuredly into the next life. I am not perfect. I don't even want to be perfect. Just whole.
So I choose for my wish to once and for all time be whole and by that I mean my intention is to replace this empty feeling that I know is abandonment fear that I have felt my whole life long in my solar plexus and that has been the curse of my existence here in this life in this physical reality in this DNA Machine Body in this persona known to others as David Brian Sky with love. My intention is for self love to fill this emptiness completely like light so bright that it dissolves the dark that is this inner emptiness I hear name: "The Last Demon", Abandonment Panic. I call it out and own it and now I do not run from you, Demon. I turn upon you and embrace you. A love of abandoning and being abandoned that you represent. You who with cosmic ironic never have abandoned me while all others either have or been abandoned by me. I cannot do this alone I know for I have tried. I have no magic to dispel you but I do have help. I have an army of angels and the love of God Almighty that I can call down upon you in this battle like artillery called down into the fray from afar. I choose this night at 4:28AM, this exact timing of a full moon on my birthday, to face you head on, once and for all. I call you out in this matter at the risk of empowering you with my firm intention being to dissolve your darkness in the blinding white light of love everlasting.
* * * *
I have used a dream pad for years to ask questions of my unconscious self by writing them down on this pad and looking at it just before sleep achieving over time a remarkable report with my unconscious as the question is usually "answered" with a dream sometimes requiring interpretation but often given in a rather obvious manner. During a period in the summer of 2012 of extraordinary personal spiritual growth characterized also by real emotional and even physical healing, a part of myself that I called, "The Autistic Child" came up with using this dream pad in a very different manner. I began then to use it in a more active manner for deep programming of my mind asking now my unconscious not to answer a question but to actually perform certain tasks usually regarding creating in my unconscious mind what I called "programs" wherein I sought to reprogram old childhood programs to new ends of my own, considered adult design by thoroughly considering, for instance, the psychological purpose of Ego Boundaries, in depth and then "designing" my own new ego boundaries via a self programming technique using self hypnosis, visualizations and Neuro-linguistic programming along with this dream pad deep programming at night. My "Autistic Child" self helped in this having arisen during this period I designated, The 52 Days of Magic, and I know now that Autistic Child is something of a misnomer that this is actually the Asperger part of my own mind that I had repressed in early adulthood because it is wholly inadequate in helping with adult matters so necessary to basic survival but which was unbeknownst to me at the time responsible for my creative writing ability and that by repressing it I had inadvertently caused a severe writers block that lasted 28 years. The first night that I attempted to use the pad for programming, I was getting ready to write on it and draw on it a diagram in this particular case when I thought popped up that I felt was from this Autistic Child self: "turn the pad from vertical to horizontal before writing on it. This will be a clear visual signal to unconscious self that we are doing something different now." I remember literally saying out loud, "Thank you" with tears of gratitude to this Autistic Child self immediately recognizing the validity of such a statement in this wholly unprecedented procedure knowing full well that my conscious identity would never have thought of such a thing. I include this night's programming on a picture of the dream pad - I've found that keeping it as simple as possible is best. This night it is not properly a matter of programming but is similar in that I am asking the unconscious to do something also I would use this technique to ask my astral body to do things such as asking it to go out into the world and find "her" which it did. So since my astral body is a proven performer, as it were, I call upon now to help in this matter. My suspicion here is that it will be best to do this in sleep taking "the enemy" by surprise and bringing all my greatest forces to bare on it, I feel. Thank you Sun Tzu.
Physically, I am much reassured this evening before sleep and rest as easy as I can reminded once again that my concerns of abandonment in this new relationship is internal not external. I wake at 4:39AM and after going to the bathroom lay for a moment surrounding us both in white light visualized within my heart center of self as I lay in bed again. I can detect nothing consciously and I think of how important faith is. Not just a word. Faith is an angel with a sword. Come to me, Faith, I ask of Her. Be close. Waking at 5:20 to the rude protests of the alarm, I make coffee for my Lioness and a sandwich for lunch and see her off to work and then I go back to sleep which I never can do. I dream of going into a fantastical mansion with gargoyles and amazing architecture of grandiose and complex designs. It clearly recalls last weekend in conscious life when we did a couples thing visiting a local old town area where she bought some Christmas ornaments. The inside of this house is enormous and a maze of complex passages with many rooms and I surely do loose Rosie inside
I do not find Rosie in this dream and when I reach for my phone to text her, of course the phone is gone. I then cannot even recall what her number is in the dream so find myself with her gone and no way to even contact her. Waking, I find the terrible feeling in this dream to be exactly the worse manifestation of this feeling in my actually. At the end of the dream, I am speaking with a guy who works in this house of knick knacks and we are talking about how dismal the job situation is and he is saying, "I'm only a few paychecks away from being on the street myself if I'm honest about it." And I respond, "who isn't. Me too for sure. At least you have family, I assume," seeing he is fairly young guy. "I do," he says, "that is some consolation." "Not me," I say at the very end of the dream, "I am utterly alone in this world".
I wake not knowing quite what to think but I smile confident that I had indeed programmed the unconscious and before arising I place my hand on my chest as I do so often now applying light pressure and focusing my self into this heart place: "fill this empty space with love" I ask. "Once and for all". I look at the birthday card that she has given me and it is absolutely beautiful and perfect and I know that she choose it with ... love. I cry reading it. It says exactly what I need to hear. It occurs to me not for the first time that a good Shaman does not waste any resource in his healing efforts and that she herself appears to be playing a part in this particular healing attempt. I can't quite grasp the ramifications of this whether there is some irony here in her helping me with my fear of losing her or if this is actually the most natural thing in the world for her to do and I'm simply overthinking it as I am want to do?
12/19/2013
ReplyDeleteFound out late in the evening that my love is taking off the rest of the month from work as well as starting school break for a month on this day after she dragged herself back from her last final at 11:30PM! This is a present surprise and a fantastic present as she states her intention to spend more time with me. I realize that I have only been with now for 40 days and 40 nights. Our relationship that seems mature at one level is nescient which I notice buying her herb tea - "too spicy" she says. Everything is so meaningful to me and this comes to one point in the abandonment issue as over these two days it breaks down into parts which I hope is a process of disintegration. In the store looking at teas it is a game for me to try and find a new one that she will like but it is a risk for if she does not like what I get, it is a little defeat and even in this little thing I find much greater meaning for myself and the relationship. I tell myself that it is not a defeat but an experiment that succeeds in telling what she does not like. At the same time, this shows not only my obsession with all things Rosemary but also a strong tendency to get bogged down in minutia in a fashion that is not so much about getting the most out of life but in such a way that the spontaneity of living in the here and now gets ground out? This is a part of the abandonment fear issue because while at one level I must attack it in just such a manner, at another level one of the biggest challenges for me in life is to let go of analysis and just ... BE.
Another aspect that has broken out of the abandonment issue is guilt. I felt this clearly yesterday a feeling of feeling guilty about connecting emotionally with this woman and this came to me when I was at a fairly centered place within myself. Part of the abandonment issue, I come to realize, is an inability to fully connect with others particularly of course in a bonded love relationship and in this way I see in more detail just how my feeling has nothing to do with what she does or doesn't do, does or doesn't feel but is about my own inner emotional gyrations. My little voice within points out that for the first time in my entire life my own feelings in this new relationship are free and clear. I have no reservations of any kind and this addresses the guilt aspect directly and allays it in a real way. Also, this allows me to see clearly how my feelings revolving around this abandonment issue are separate from my concerns exactly in an insecurity about the relationship since it is new and there have been issues that are peculiar to her own psychology and they are real issues and they may or may not point to some emotional distancing on her part toward me but this is not properly about my own abandonment issues but about the new dynamics of relationship issues between the two of us.
Another break out is regarding porous ego boundaries and how that impacts the abandonment issue. I "feel" this when I place my hand on my chest and visualize my own energy as being in my heart center while asking for love to fill this empty feeling inside that I have come to association with abandonment fear. I hope this intention and heart work will help to create an ego boundary of self in a new way that is heart centered and that this will ultimately lead to further disintegration of the abandonment fear itself by sort of keeping what I am from bleeding out for it is a bit like have a cell without cell walls to contain the bodily material of the cell?