Still feeling raw and vulnerable lately and trying not to over think this and to just lay into it and not even resist this feeling realizing that t...his “trying not to resist the raw and vulnerable feeling” is in fact the way I flex my spiritual muscles – the way I “fight without struggling” which was a big lesson from the voice hearing period of 2007. It took a little over five years to grasp what this principle means in practice after I was told, “you will have to fight but you must not struggle in order to overcome and persevere in this battle it is imperative that you do not struggle”. Like much of what I was told, I had no real idea what it meant but I wrote it down like the good scribe that I am. But now I know. I know “the feeling” of this manner of doing battle which is quite the opposite of how fighting typically feels to me. It is about submission, acceptance in love. It is no wonder that I could not imagine what was meant for it is so radically different than what I had come to believe is “strength”?
I listen to Michael Franti driving back home this morning dawn just arisen and my inner voice is saying in my mind, “it's okay, Buddy, just lay into me and be easy and we'll figure this out” and I have a vision of my inner child resting his head on my shoulder and I put my arm around his shoulder and squeeze him. He is crying a little and his body is limp and I feel the energy of it that he is very tired and still insecure and still a little lost and this is who my inner voice is speaking to so lovingly, so gently and so very differently than my inner voice would have spoken pre 2007. This goal of being able to speak to and reassure or actually to “parent” my “inner child” was achieved finally with the help of an amazing woman I found in the Bitteroot Mountains of Montana in the late summer of 2007 who worked with me doing hypno-therapy as I had begun to realize that my “work” had only been begun my those mushroom experiences not finished at all. At first that was so difficult to do but she had insisted, thank God, and with the help of an induction state I was able to find and speak to this inner child without the self judgment that was prohibitively strong: “this is ridiculous bullshit!”. And what I realize this morning driving as this inner child is laying into my shoulder and I am reassuring (him) gently and easily is that I now CAN reassure him. What I had told my hypo-therapist at that time was how could I possibly reassure my inner child when I have no sense of assurance in my myself? She had explained that this is what you do for your children because you love them and you know they need to be reassured and I did not know this because I never had children but she assured me I would have done it for them if I had.
What I realize then as this inner vision slips away lasting only a few moments as Michael Franti plays in the background, this beautiful and perfect artist, “hey hey hey no matter how it used to be don't let another moment slip away” is that my inner child is an adult now. His head is on my shoulder, do you see? He is as tall as I am? A thought then comes, “I am being self limiting about the book I can do both at once. I can do this new agey dribble that I seem compelled to do and the novel at once. I do not have to choose between them.” I had put it out to the Universe that I would except what is coming to me almost in the way of automatic writing but which I resist in this expository writing and had thought that it would mean concentrating upon that solely to the exclusion of fiction which is what I want to do. I have been through a lot over many years soul crushing intensity internally and as I park I bow my head and visualize myself kneeling upon the ground and surrounded by a blazing white light that is egg shaped and extends about three feet around my entire body even into the ground and in this visualization outside of this protective egg of light a horrendous storm rages lightening bolts the size of tree trunks zap the outside of the protective shell and the earth is gone as this storm assaults me with a comic violence and I know what this means exactly. I have just driven my new love to work and had been talking about short term goals and thinking much about what I do still believe is a very near and very real economic crash and also potentially socially speaking something even more devestating. I realize that I do not want to put this madness on her that I do not want to put it onto myself. I think that all we can do practically in the way of preparation is to not incur new debt and pay off existing debt as aggressively as possible. I am pleased then with the balance of spiritual and practical energy I am feeling as the sun comes up this new day and I feel truly that I will not let another moment slip away. I am grateful for my life now, our life, beyond measure.
I listen to Michael Franti driving back home this morning dawn just arisen and my inner voice is saying in my mind, “it's okay, Buddy, just lay into me and be easy and we'll figure this out” and I have a vision of my inner child resting his head on my shoulder and I put my arm around his shoulder and squeeze him. He is crying a little and his body is limp and I feel the energy of it that he is very tired and still insecure and still a little lost and this is who my inner voice is speaking to so lovingly, so gently and so very differently than my inner voice would have spoken pre 2007. This goal of being able to speak to and reassure or actually to “parent” my “inner child” was achieved finally with the help of an amazing woman I found in the Bitteroot Mountains of Montana in the late summer of 2007 who worked with me doing hypno-therapy as I had begun to realize that my “work” had only been begun my those mushroom experiences not finished at all. At first that was so difficult to do but she had insisted, thank God, and with the help of an induction state I was able to find and speak to this inner child without the self judgment that was prohibitively strong: “this is ridiculous bullshit!”. And what I realize this morning driving as this inner child is laying into my shoulder and I am reassuring (him) gently and easily is that I now CAN reassure him. What I had told my hypo-therapist at that time was how could I possibly reassure my inner child when I have no sense of assurance in my myself? She had explained that this is what you do for your children because you love them and you know they need to be reassured and I did not know this because I never had children but she assured me I would have done it for them if I had.
What I realize then as this inner vision slips away lasting only a few moments as Michael Franti plays in the background, this beautiful and perfect artist, “hey hey hey no matter how it used to be don't let another moment slip away” is that my inner child is an adult now. His head is on my shoulder, do you see? He is as tall as I am? A thought then comes, “I am being self limiting about the book I can do both at once. I can do this new agey dribble that I seem compelled to do and the novel at once. I do not have to choose between them.” I had put it out to the Universe that I would except what is coming to me almost in the way of automatic writing but which I resist in this expository writing and had thought that it would mean concentrating upon that solely to the exclusion of fiction which is what I want to do. I have been through a lot over many years soul crushing intensity internally and as I park I bow my head and visualize myself kneeling upon the ground and surrounded by a blazing white light that is egg shaped and extends about three feet around my entire body even into the ground and in this visualization outside of this protective egg of light a horrendous storm rages lightening bolts the size of tree trunks zap the outside of the protective shell and the earth is gone as this storm assaults me with a comic violence and I know what this means exactly. I have just driven my new love to work and had been talking about short term goals and thinking much about what I do still believe is a very near and very real economic crash and also potentially socially speaking something even more devestating. I realize that I do not want to put this madness on her that I do not want to put it onto myself. I think that all we can do practically in the way of preparation is to not incur new debt and pay off existing debt as aggressively as possible. I am pleased then with the balance of spiritual and practical energy I am feeling as the sun comes up this new day and I feel truly that I will not let another moment slip away. I am grateful for my life now, our life, beyond measure.
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